Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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