I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
