textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
