i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
