his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found the puke drawer
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
