I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
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Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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