I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He felt like a one man threesome
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
