if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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