either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
