i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
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come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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