I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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