I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The uberlube is also flammable
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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