Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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