I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
