Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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