Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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