Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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