I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
