Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All the doctor said was why
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
