apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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