I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
