that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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