Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
