dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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