She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
