Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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