I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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