Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
