DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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