Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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