dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
