Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
