sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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