I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
