i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
