Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
