hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
