if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
