as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's shark week go big or go home
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
