Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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