Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
