I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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