I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
