Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm at about main and main street
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
