i just sent this text using only my big toe
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
