please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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