got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
