Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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