I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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