Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is Oprah even human
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
