Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
