Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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