You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
