My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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