I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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