A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
